If Only I Could
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Yukito explains his dream to Touya on a winter night. But was it really a dream? Or a sleeping past inside of Yukito?


Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura isn't mine. It is by Clamp.  
  
  
I don't remember when and I don't remember how I had come to this park. It was peaceful like all the others. But this one had sakura floating around as if they were dancing beautifully to an unknown melody.  
Tilting my head, all I could do was watch patiently and quietly. But as one fell to the ground, I noticed someone trying to catch it in his hands.   
  
"If I ever have a daughter, I would like to name her Sakura."  
  
If I could, I would have said, "That is a very beautiful name indeed."  
If only...I could.  
  
If only I could.  
by Miyamoto Yui  
  
  
But I could not even lift my wing. A child had thought it was funny to poke me by throwing rocks at me. So as the pebbles from the passing river were thrown, I could feel the water and weight of the rock on my back.  
  
"Don't do that!" the man had shouted.  
  
It was then that the little boy's mother took him away and bowed towards the man.  
  
There were no apologies to me...  
I was only a crane, ne?  
  
I was stuck there not knowing what to do. I had always just flown around with no one bothering me.   
  
But now, I was helpless.  
  
I wanted to cry as I saw my wing bleeding a small stream with no way of helping it. It was so painful that I couldn't even move.  
  
"I..." the man started to say.  
  
I looked up to the young man from earlier. He smiled down at me and sat next to me for a short while as he tried to pick me up without making it painful to me..  
  
That night, he attended to my wound. But as I sat patiently and quietly on the wooden table, he went about his business of sitting at the other end of the table looking at a newspaper. I tilted my head a bit in curiousity. I wondered what was it that was so interesting. But since I was so tired, I fell asleep.  
  
When I woke up, I found myself on a pile of sheets in some basket in his bedroom. I found it quite strange and yet I was very impressed by his kindness. Most humans would have left me alone.   
They usually didn't care. What was a bird to them? But was I any different because I was a crane?  
I didn't think so.  
  
The young seventeen-year-old man wasn't in his room. But there I sat up and looked around the room. There were lots of books and some gloves.  
A laborer?  
The house seemed kind of small, but it wasn't so bad. It was kind of comfy and inviting. I liked the atmosphere very much.   
  
"Good morning," he had said. Then, he dropped some bread crumbs in front of me. "I've never had a crane before so please excuse me."  
  
Then, he hit his forehead. While laughing to himself and shaking his head, he commented, "Gosh, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale. I'm the young man and you turn out to be some mysterious, yet powerful entity."  
He laughed to himself again.  
  
And that's how I lived for four days. He left in the morning and came back occassionally to feed me. Then, he came back in the evenings to eat dinner and feed me once more. After that, he would go read what I knew now was a newspaper.  
  
Though it was only four days, I was very happy. He was so kind to me that I didn't even want to go. And what made it harder was that he always smiled.  
In this quiet abode where he lived by himself, he seemed content and wanted very little. And for some reason, this made me happy. I liked his smile very much.  
I wanted to blend into that scene he had created for himself.  
  
So, on the fifth day, when he took off the bandages, he took me back to the park and let me go. But I never forgot his kindness.  
With that alone, I didn't want to go. I hesitated to even fly away.  
  
"I'll see you again," he had said.  
  
I'll see you again...  
  
Again and again, I came back to see him. But each time, he grew a little bit older. He would sit in the park and I would come occassionally. He fed me bread crumbs like always and I was satisfied with this.  
  
But...  
there was something different everytime I saw him.  
  
"You shouldn't mix with humans," one of the flock had said, but I never listened. I wanted to see him more and more.  
  
I didn't understand people or what they thought or even how they felt, but...  
I wanted to become one.  
  
Even for one time.  
To live in a time where I could actually say thank you...  
Where I wouldn't have to go away...  
  
  
There are many in this world that don't believe in the impossible. When they can't see it, they can't comprehend it. And magic had always been that way.  
I don't know how to describe it, but I knew I had felt it that one evening...  
  
A few months later, when I should have flown elsewhere, I foolishly flew towards his direction. It was cold, but I had come one full moonlit night.  
And, for that one moment, I closed my eyes and thought, "I...want to be human...just for him..."  
  
Enveloped by the light, somehow the gods had taken pity on me and I had become a beautiful human girl kneeling in front of the lake with a white dress.   
  
"Are you lost?" a voice had said.  
  
I was so intent on looking at my reflection that I did not catch the voice the first time.  
  
"Are you lost?" the voice questioned once again.  
  
I turned my head to find the man looking down at me strangely, but still with that persistent smile that I loved.  
  
"Yes." I blinked my eyes.  
  
He then laughed, "You know, I hope this isn't rude, but I feel like I've seen you before."  
  
"Really?" My heart began to beat faster. In some distant way, he knew...that would be enough.  
  
"My name..." I looked around at moment.   
  
I want him to know my name.  
Remember me.  
  
White. "Yuki."  
  
Then, I bowed and blurted, "I just wanted to say thank you."  
  
"Excuse me?" He blinked his eyes in surprise. "I don't understand. I think you've-"  
  
I shook my head and smiled. "You'll remember. Someday."  
  
  
Then, I ran away. He followed me but I had turned back into a crane and hid in back of a tree.  
When he stopped looking for 'the strange girl', he went back home.  
  
It was then that I grew sad and felt heavy inside. As I flew away, I...  
  
I would have cried.  
If I only could.  
  
I could only watch, but I couldn't even touch you.  
  
I am thankful for that weird yet wonderful and painful moment, I shall never forget it...  
  
If I'm ever to be reborn, I hope that I will be with you.   
I hope that I won't have to hide and go away.   
I hope that I will see your smile again.  
  
I hope that...  
I can at least find you.  
  
That will be enough.  
  
I'm sorry I will never see you again...  
And I floated as I closed my eyes while ice ran through my blood making it cold...  
  
  
--  
  
Years later...  
  
"What do you think his name should be?" his daughter said to him. "We wanted you to name him, Father."  
  
Looking up at the sky, the now old man touched a piece of snow that floated effortlessly to his palm. "Yuki...to..."  
  
"Eh?" the woman asked with her hand on her stomach.  
  
"I mean, Yukito." He looked at her while smiling and nodding to himself. "His name will be Yukito."  
  
  
--  
  
"...and that's the end of my weird dream." I smiled at Touya. "I was the crane, but when I died I still watched over the man as if I could protect him. He looked and looked for me but he could never find me. And then, when he was about to die, he named his grandson that."  
  
Laughing a bit, I thought, "Could this be...?"  
  
"But you know what?" I said to Touya, "I feel like there's something right before me but I'm not seeing it."  
  
I tilted my head. "I know it's strange, but that's the only way I could say it."  
  
Nervously, I looked around. It was then that I jumped off the swing I had being standing on and stood in front of Touya. Taking off my glasses, I leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Thanks for listening."  
  
Touya sat there for a moment blushing lightly.   
  
Once again wearing my glasses, he got off the swing and we started to walk home.   
  
"I don't think it's so abnormal." He kept his hands in his pant pockets and looked at the road before him.  
  
His eyes...  
He looked as if he knew what was the secret sleeping inside of me...somehow...  
  
"You don't?" I then smiled even more.  
  
He always understood...  
He will always understand.  
  
He shook his head and smirked slightly to himself, "But you know what, Yuki?"  
  
"Yes?" I glanced at him.  
  
"I think I've heard this story before." He then tilted his head.   
  
I looked at him curiously as he looked up to the sky. As if the image of the strange man in my dream were exact, Touya had reached out for a single piece of snow.   
  
"A long time ago..." he trailed off.  
  
In some locked part of my mind and heart, I felt a great relief inside of myself.   
Then, in some recess of my mind, this thought floated to the surface, "I was able to come back to you."  
  
  
"Did you say something, Yuki?"  
  
I shook my head and smiled happily. "No, nothing at all."  
  
  
That's why I always smile. I am so content.   
Why? There are some things I can't understand myself. But as long you're next to me, everything is all right.  
  
  
I...  
I cannot describe it to you. This feeling...  
  
  
It is more than I could ever say to you, Touya.   
  
  
  
---  
  
Author's note: This is my first CCS fic. ^_^v Touya has been a very very bad obsession. The only reasons I watch CCS: Li-kun and Touya.  
  
I was playing with the pun of "Yuki" and "to". Separately, they mean, "Snow...and..."  
  
But I don't know why, I was picturing Yue, who was sleeping inside of Yukito. And in order to make such a deep connection, I wanted a reincarnation story. And since my favorite childhood story is the 'The Crane' (a Japanese folktale), I wanted it to be about that. 


End file.
